The Secret Diary of a Weird Goth Girl
by W0ND3R
Summary: Gwen is seventeen years old with enough problems to last her a life time. When her Mom hates her, her Dad is gone, and her brother is gay, she finds that writing out her problems is a good way to cope.
1. Chapter 1

Gwen's diary, obviously :p

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><p><strong>March 3<strong>**th**

Mom bought me this diary, no idea why. She is going through her psychologist phase, buying a whole bunch of self-help books and making plans about opening up a business. Anyways, why waste her money, right?

Dad called me today, but I knew he would. He calls every Saturday, at 5:45 in the afternoon. He has always been a little O.C.D, so I don't question it. He asked me how my grades were, and if I passed all my tests I had from last weeks, and I use my usual responses: "A's and B's, naturally." And the "Yeah, of course." But really my grades are slipping slowly down to D's and I haven't passed a test since 3rd grade. He asks to talk to Jett, but Jett refuses, and I have make up an excuse, every single week for the past couple of years, around the same time Dad left Mom for his co-worker.

They got married, moved to Ohio and now I have two half-brothers. Honestly I don't know their names and I doubt I ever will. Jett is turning fifteen, and I can see how much he looks like my Dad. Same brown hair and tall, lanky look. Jett doesn't like to talk about it, but I know his little secret. He told me one night when he had me buy him a pack of cigarettes, slowly inhaling and exhaling the weird smelling smoke. "You can't tell Mom, or Dad. No one knows but you." He had told me, and I wrapped my pinky around his, promising him. That was a little over six months ago, and I am yet to tell anyone, and no one has noticed his change either.

Mom is extremely oblivious to everything; off in her own little happy land. He's never been quite right since Dad left and she had to bail Jett out of jail when he drove her car onto the highway and was pulled over. He's only fourteen, so he obviously doesn't have a license. I was thankful for him though, no matter how much torture he put my Mom through. He has helped me write cheat sheets multiple times, and given me extra gas money when I needed it. All he asks for in return is a pack of cigs, which I happily buy for the teen. Sure, I may be a bad sister, buying his cigarettes, but who said we were the perfect family?

You know what? I think I'm going to like this diary. Have something to express myself in, tell my secrets. I don't really have anyone since Bridgette left for Tennessee for summer vacation. I wonder what everyone else is doing, while I am sitting here on my small twin bed in the corner of my room, lights off and a couple of green candles my only source of light.

Oh yeah, did I tell you? My Mom forgot to pay the electricity bill, and doesn't have enough money to pay for it until Saturday. It's Monday. Well, the milk that's in the fridge will be spoiled, but the only one who drinks it is my Mom. Her own damn fault, her punishment should be spoiled milk. Anyways, I guess I should tell more about me. I'm Gwen, call me Gwen. I hate everyone in the universe because they are all stupid. I love Jett more than I love myself, and when I move out I am taking him with me.

I turn eighteen in August. I already have a job, part time, but if I save up it'll be enough to start renting a cheap apartment, big enough for Jett and I. We can do it, I hope. I don't really have anything to lose except Jett. Last school year, I was weirdly popular with the boys. I think it has something to do with the pictures Heather posted of me dancing on the stripper pole drunk at Geoff's house.

I haven't even told Jett about that, and I tell Jett everything from my relationships to every time I have smoked or snorted. I wasn't fond of either, really. Coke made my nose twitch and weed made my eyes water and throat burn.

Every time I was offered though, I did it. Don't ask me why, because I have no clue. My hand is cramping and the candles are fading, so I guess I should stop writing for now. Thanks, Diary.

Hm, I guess I should name you right? Okay, you are now known as Evelyn. Don't like it? Too bad, you're an inanimate object.

**March 4th**

Came home from the store and caught Mom snooping around for you, Evelyn. She told me she needed a pen but she isn't fooling anyone.

**March 8****th**

I'm not going to lie to you, Evelyn, I completely forgot you existed.

It's Saturday, and the power came back on around three. As soon as we saw the kitchen lights flicker on, Jett and I ran to the living room, pushing each other to get to the remote. I got it first, and clicked it on, my heart swelling when I heard the power 'click'. We watched Easy A, which actually wasn't terrible. I thought the main character was pretty and smart, selling her fake sex for money. She was still a virgin, and she got money.

I would do it, but it's already too late for me. What's that Eve? You thought I was a virgin? No, sorry, I was deflowered in the eighth grade by a tiny little boy named Noah. I laugh whenever I think about it, how I've gone from skinny Noah to muscular Trent and Duncan, then beautiful Justin and gorgeous Alejandro. With others in between of course, but those five were my actual boyfriends.

I'm still with Alejandro, in a don't ask, don't tell sort of relationship. Alejandro cheated on Lindsay with me, but I don't mind if he cheats on me. I'm not looking for someone to marry; I just want to have someone to keep me from feeling lonely.

Alejandro is the longest boyfriend I've had, counting the time when we dated behind Lindsay's back, making a rough seven or eight months. Duncan comes in a close second at five months, but he seemed overly interested in having me dominate him in sex, and I want to be controlled. Alejandro is very dominant, and I love it.

I wouldn't ever say this to anyone, but I think I might love him.

He is a lot like me, too. His Dad left his Mom to go back to Spain, and as soon as Alejandro turned eighteen, his Mom left for Spain too. He makes a bunch of money because he works and lives with his rich uncle, and even I feel rich whenever I tighten my fists on the royal purple sheet of Alejandro's bed. He is a moaner, but I didn't expect that at first glance. He loves to rub my sides and moan my name. Whoa, I just got chills. Hey…maybe I should call him? No, he's probably asleep. On Sunday he wakes up super early to go with his Uncle to God knows where.

Okay, my eyelids are slowly creeping down, but before I go I have to write this. I hope I keep writing this and reread it when I have kids, and laugh about how stupid I was. I guess I should write myself a little note. Here goes nothing.

Dear future Gwen,

How are you?

Are you fat?

Are you alone?

If so, I'm really sorry for you. Right now is pretty good. I'm dating Alejandro, and Jett announced he was gay just half a year or so ago. Gosh, I have so many questions for you future Gwen! Let's hope you passed your senior year, because if you didn't that means Mom is probably dead from having a heart attack. I hope Jett isn't in jail. I hope everything is okay. Why would it not be, though? You are Gwen! You are pretty! Well, sort of. Alejandro says you are. Hey, maybe if you all aren't together you should look him up? Message him? Meet up, hook up?

Anyways, how is Mom (if she isn't dead already)? What about Dad, is he still with that loser co-worker (I hope she got rabbis and died)? You better have kept your hair short, future Gwen! If it's long, I will come from the past and kill you.

Okay, well just remember when Mom bought you this Diary, or Evelyn, so many years ago and you are reading this right now.

This is your childhood.

Sucks for you, right?

-Seventeen year old you.

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><p>Tell me what you thought!<p> 


	2. Chapter 2

**March 10****th**

Jett was so close to telling Mom he was gay. I'm so proud of him.

His boyfriend is so sweet, his eyes are the color of the sky and his skin is almost as tan as Alejandro's. He told me his name was Garrett, an appropriate name for such a cute boy. I took them to Garrett's house, where they hung out for the better part of the day. Now I'm in the bathroom pretending to shower but really writing this. Mom keeps trying to look for you! I won't let her find you, though. I'm going to splurge on a safe tomorrow so even if she knows its in there, she cant get to it. Ha! You lose, Ma!

I wasn't going to write anymore tonight, but Jett was sleeping on the couch when I got out of the bathroom and he looked so cute. His hair was pushed back, the hat he was wearing has fallen onto the floor. I noticed the giant hickey on his neck, and pulled a blanket up over it.

Damn, I am such a good sister! So Evelyn, what else would you like to know before I head off to dreamland? Oh, I know! Alejandro told me I was the prettiest girl he'd ever met today. It was over text, but the butterflies still flew around my body. Just thinking about it, writing it, gives me the shivers. Monday Alejandro works from 7-5, so hopefully we can hang out. Maybe I can get a hickey like Jett, if I'm lucky.

**March 11****th**

Bought the safe, and I'm writing this before I put it away to go over to Alejandro's. Evelyn, I know you can't respond, but if you were a real person would you think I was bad? For some reason, I'm waiting for you to write back like in Harry Potter. That would be so cool! Seeing as that's not the case, though, I guess I should just go.

Am I a bad person?

_11:20 PM _

I was reading a book where the girl writing the diary put the time. I guess if I'm going to write twice in one day I should put the time. Jett was asleep when I came in, to my surprise. He's usually up half the night. He must've been pretty pooped, but he's not the only one. Alejandro and I made dinner for his Aunt and Uncle. It was some Spanish dish with a really long and complicated name. It was delicious though, so the name doesn't matter to me. His Aunt doesn't like me, for some reason. She has a flat round nose and thin lips, her skin wrinkly and dark. She doesn't speak much English, and I don't speak much Spanish, but I did catch her calling me odd and telling Alejandro he could do much better.

I don't think I'll be back over for dinner for awhile. The comments didn't bother me to much because once the plates were clean, Al and I disappeared to his bedroom. He stroked my cheek and told me how gorgeous I was, and I ran my hands over his shirtless torso.

We didn't have sex, much to my disappointment, but he did give me a wonderfully mean hickey on my upper thigh. I was tempted to take a picture and put it in here, but I think that might be sort of weird. Anyways, I just got home, and I'm wide awake. I want to call him, but when I left he was half asleep. I guess I should go shower, wash all the sin from tonight's adventures off my body. Or, maybe not.

**March 13****th**

I love acid. I love ecstasy. God, I love cocaine. I love it all.

My head is spinning and I have no clue what I'm writing. All I know is that Geoff and Alejandro are next to me, singing some stupid song. Geoff is as shitfaced as me, but I think Alejandro is sober. I love that boy. We are supposedly headed to a party, but all I see is the desert. Why are we in the desert?

Why are we on a chocolate boat, and how are we moving? Uh oh, Geoff is eating the boat!

It's getting hard to write now, because we are swaying and I think I might be desert-chocolate-boat sick.

**March 14****th**

It's noon. I just woke up. My head is throbbing and I feel half dead. Fuck acid. Fuck ecstasy. God, I fucking hate cocaine. I have to work again tomorrow. It's only Thursday. May I be struck with lightning…now!

Hell, I'm going back to sleep. Later Eve!

**March 16****th**

I lost the key to the safe yesterday, but found it in my back pocket just a few minutes ago. I am getting used to writing in this, almost needing to write it in. Geoff offered me some weed at school, and I took it. I don't plan on using it, however. Maybe sell it back or give it to Jett. He could use it more than me. Oh yeah! Yesterday, he told Mom. She fainted. Yup, plum fainted, right there in the living room. _Just_ missed cracking her head open on the coffee table. I had to drag her dumb ass up to the couch and shake her with Jett crying, then Mom was crying and I just wanted to punch them both in the face.

Mom promises she loves Jett and nothing can change that, but today she barely spoke to him. Even when she did, she never looked at him. Jett noticed it too, because I heard him hold back tears and sniffle. I bet if I walked in the room right now, he'd be crying. Poor babe, I feel bad for him. I feel like every day now I get more and more antsy about leaving here, this stupid house. I just want to graduate and get this over with. I still have one more long school year to go, I'm afraid. Evelyn, can I tell you something? Ugh, what am I saying? Of course I can.

Eve, I'm scared.

I don't want to screw up. I _can't_ screw up. Jett depends on me! The best I can hope for is Alejandro helps pay for some stuff of mine, but who knows how long he will be around? I haven't talked to him since yesterday morning. My brain is frazzled and I just want to shoot up and have sex. I need help. I'm scared. I don't even know why I'm scared, really. I just am. I hate life. I'm going to talk to Jett.

_2:40 AM_

I guess technically this qualifies for a March 17th entry, but I don't care. I don't see sleep in my near future whatsoever.

I was talking to Jett for…two hours? Three? I don't know, but it was a long time. He told me he loved Garrett, even though he shouldn't know what love is yet. I told him that I'm pretty sure I'm madly in love with Alejandro. It felt weird coming out of my mouth, like jelly just squeezing out. As if my body wasn't sure if I could handle saying the 'L' word out loud, even more so when I declare my love for someone. Jett hugged me though, happy for me.

We just sat on his bedroom floor, silent tears coming down his cheeks onto my shoulder while we hugged. His hair smelled like Old Spice and sweat, but I thought it was comforting. Don't get mad, Evelyn, but I told Jett about you. How I write how I feel. How it helps.

He said he wanted to get one, and I promised I'd buy him one.

Then we smoked the weed Geoff gave me; for that last hour, there were no tears.

I liked it.


	3. Chapter 3

**March 18****th **

I'm over at Alejandro's house. He's in the shower now, so I thought it would be a good time to write. Not much has happened during the two days I haven't written. I've been at Al's house this whole time, mostly because his Uncle and Aunt are out of town doing a job. Geoff is coming over tonight, bringing over some girls he plans to get with. I wonder if I wasn't here, would Alejandro invite a girl over? I don't want to think about it. The thought makes my stomach hurt so I'm changing the subject.

Oh, the shower stopped. I'll write later tonight.

_3:00 A.M_

I have to resist purging right now. Geoff brought two girls, one with short brown hair and the other with long ginger hair. They are both odd looking, the brown haired one with the pointy nose is eyeing Alejandro. They seem to be ignoring me, except for the occasional glances.

Geoff is groping the ginger's tit and I can't find Alejandro. I want to go home.

Jett called me crying a little bit ago. I guess Garrett got into a car accident, he's supposed to be okay, not that Jett knows much. I promised him we'd go to the hospital tomorrow, given that Garrett has to stay overnight. I know it's a random thought, but I wonder if Garrett's parents or siblings know he's gay.I think they do, but I can't be sure.

The brunette is getting up to sit next to Alejandro. I hope she's ready to be punched. Later.

**March 19****th**

Jett cried the entire way to the hospital. Garrett's arm was broken, but he didn't have any concussions or internal bleeding or anything really serious like that.

I watched them kiss each other and it was quite possibly the cutest thing in the entire world. We're back home now, Jett is taking a nap, those tears sure got him tired. I've had a pretty bad case of insomnia and it's starting to mess with my head. I have to work in an hour, so I might as well write my heart out until then. Last entry, I was at Alejandro's with Geoff and his skanks.

The brunette was named Charlotte, and _was_ hitting on my boyfriend. Al basically ignored her, and when she tried snuggling up to him he got up and sat next to me.

I don't want to be in love. Love only leads to destruction and depression. Love is dumb. There has to be something wrong with Alejandro, right? He has money, he's cute as hell, and treats me right. He's friends with Geoff, though. That's a pretty big downer. As much as I want to figure out a flaw in my perfect boyfriend, I almost hope he _is_ perfect. So many things in my life aren't. What the hell? Hold on, something just broke in the living room.

_6:45 P.M_

Mom passed out, hit her head on the coffee table, and made it shatter. My neighbor must've heard it because he came over and helped me take care of Mom and clean up the huge glass mess. His name was Scott. He had ginger hair and a white wide beater on. It the weirdest way, he was really cute. I guess he is only down here for the summer, doing work for his Grandpa. He looked a year or two younger than me, but that doesn't matter. Something tells me I'm going to dream about him tonight.

**March 20****th**

Alejandro invited me over to his place later for some time alone, so I'm definitely going. I haven't had sex in a couple of weeks! That's not the point of this entry though. Scott gave me his number a few hours ago, but I haven't texted him yet.

Not when I'm still going out with Alejandro.

I mean, we did say this was a 'don't ask, don't tell' relationship…but I can't bring myself to even _think_ about kissing anyone other than my Latino. So that really means I'm in love, huh? Fuck.

I love when it rains. Not sprinkle but really downpours. My windows are shaking from the force of the thunder and the power has gone out twice in the same hour. I live by the water.

What if it never stops and it floods? I'm almost afraid to shower to go to Al's tonight. It's almost seven, so he should be picking me up soon. Then I have work in the early afternoon tomorrow.

Bridgette called me today telling me how they're no cute boys where she's at.

Poor soul, she would have a fit if she saw all the cute boys trying to get my attention. Maybe I'll set her up with Scott.

**March 21****st**

Alejandro broke up with me.

I'm calling Scott.

I want to die.


	4. Chapter 4

**March 23rd**

I've been playing the scene in my head for the past two days. I'm going to write it out and hope that helps me.

Okay so it was just a regular day with Alejandro, except I knew something was wrong. He wasn't telling me how beautiful I looked or kissing my neck. So, naturally, I asked him whats wrong. "Nothing much," Was all he said.

"Come on, you can tell me." I stroked his cheek, but now I wish I hadn't of asked. "Gwen, you know I love you right?" His voice and eyes were so sad I was getting _really_ worried. "I sure hope so." Man, I can't believe I said that.

I should of cried in front of him.

Maybe he wouldn't have said what he said next. "I need some time to think, baby. My mind is all screwy right now."

I stopped touching him then and stood up from his couch. My cheeks prickled with painful heat, I remember that. My heart got all achy and tight and I swear I was going to throw up. I'd given everything to that boy for fucks sake! "What're you saying?" Was all I could really say with my tight throat. "I'm saying, we should split up. Not forever, I love you too much for that. Just for a little bit."

That's the one sentence that is circling around my head, not leaving me alone. I remember it so well.

How I wanted to cry and punch him, how sad his eyes looked and the way his voice cracked. But most of all I remember telling him to fuck himself and running out of his house before he could get another word in.

Then I cried in my car for...oh man, half an hour? Just crying in his driveway. I knew he could see me, but I didn't care. Then I started the car and drove home and wrote that entry. I called Scott, but he didn't answer.

I still haven't heard from the ginger boy, and I hope I do.

I need a blunt and a fuck.

You know what pisses me off the most? How much Alejandro told me he loved me. What a prick.

How many times he told me I was beautiful. What a fucker.

How many times I believed him. What a dumb whore.

I need to sleep, my brain is pounding.

**March 24th**

Garrett came over today, his hair was cut short and he looked pale and tired. He had a bright blue cast (which I was the first to sign).

Then he kissed Jett's cheek and I burst into tears, causing him to jump up and demand to know what's wrong. That's what I like about having a gay brother, when I cry he holds me and listens to my problems. And I do the same for him. It's a win-win Garrett rubbed my back while Jett kissed my nose and told me everything would work out in the end.

I almost wanted to laugh. Poor, naive Jett.

Doesn't he know nothing works out in the end? That's about as silly as believing in Santa Claus.

Oh, Scott called me. He told me that he was on house arrest and wouldn't be able to hang out until next weekend, but he definitely wanted too. His voice sounded delicious on the phone. I can't wait. Alejandro still hasn't called me, but I don't care anymore...well not as much as I used too, anyways.

Evelyn, you have a brother now! His name is Fredrick, and Jett is taking real good care of him. Writes in it a lot, as far as I can tell. I haven't read it, I honestly don't even want too. It's probably full of penis pictures and talking about how hot Garrett is.

I hate teenagers.

**March 25th**

I had a dream that Alejandro called me and was begging me for forgiveness, and I laughed and hung up. Of course it was a dream; in reality I wouldn't of laughed _or_ hung up.

_2:10 P.M_

I haven't done shit today except eat and shower. I haven't seen much of Mom at all, actually. I don't even think she knows me and Al broke up (still having a hard time writing that). I have to work at four, which I am really not excited about, because Duncan (ex) was just recently hired.

He doesn't do anything but smoke and shit, so who knows how long he'll last. Bridgette is coming back next week, around the same time Scott gets of house arrest. She sent me an email a couple of days ago telling me how she lost her virginity.

Here, I'll copy down the email because it makes me laugh.

_Dear Gwenny-poo,_

_I am officially a woman! Well I know technically it was when I got my period, but now I'm double woman! I, Bridgette, have had sex. _

_More than once, I might add. As I write this, I have had sex four times. It was with the same guy, but still! He's a couple years older than us, I think he turned twenty before summer. His Dad is my Dad's best friend, and when they introduced us we instantly clicked. _

_HE EVEN HAS A CUTE SOUTHERN ACCENT GWEN! _

_Next summer you are coming down here with me. Get a tan, get it on, eh? Haha :) but seriously, his name is Todd and he has the cutest brown hair and brown eyes and mm...his penis isn't even gross looking! _

_Remember when Geoff and I were making out a few years ago and I gave him a handjob? Yeah, Geoff's was pretty ugly. But Todd's was smooth and big and not too thick, and he was really really gentle! Tell me about your first time again, Gwen. It's so cute! _

_I'll tell you more when I see you, deal? Yay for sex!_

_-Bridgette 'Double Woman'_

I didn't leave anything out or add anything, those are her exact words in exact order. I haven't replied yet because I just retell her the story when she gets home anyways. Huh...maybe you, Eve, would like to know?

Too late I'm already writing it!

It was a rainy day in 1st period, we had a substitute that day so we were just doing book work. Noah was eying me, and I was eying him back.

He was a little scrawny for my taste but back then I guess I didn't really have a taste.

So I went over to his table, LeShawna giving me annoying looks, and then I started smiling at Noah and giggled when he blushed. One thing led to another, and I was stroking his leg and his boner was pretty obvious through his jeans.

Then I whacked him off under the big black science table, getting more eyes at LeShawna, but I don't think she knew exactly what we were doing. We fucked in the supply closet, to be blunt. Snuck into it when the teacher was half asleep, snuck out when the bell rang.

Simple. I was a whore even before I lost my virginity. Oh well.

**March 26th**

So, Jett told me he and Garrett had sex. For just a split second, I was angry. He was only fourteen! Then I remembered I was only fourteen and sounded like a hypocrite and patted his back. I thought he would be the one of the bottom, for some reason. Garrett just looked like the more dominant type. But nope, Jett was the male this time. He went into some pretty big detail I don't feel like rewriting, and then asked me about my first time. Geez, why was it so important all of the sudden?

So I told him and he called me a whore and we both laughed even though on the inside my stomach was knotting up against my ribs.

Mom finally came home at a decent time from work today. She told me I looked chunky and should probably go on a diet.

Well there goes the rest of my meals for this week.


	5. Chapter 5

**WHAT THE FUCK! I just noticed how **_**extremely**_** dumb I am. I set this during Summer vacation…but in March…am I retarded…**

**I'm surprised no one caught onto this, or didn't say anything. Oh well I'm just gonna keep it if it doesn't bother anyone, lol**

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><p><strong>March 27<strong>**th**

I think Jett is plotting to kill me. I'm just sitting on the couch, minding my own business when he comes into the house carrying a box of sweet smelling, icing covered donuts. You know the ones that melt in your mouth and make your teeth hurt? He sets the box right down next to me and pulls out the biggest one in the box and sets it in my lap.

"You haven't eaten since yesterday. Come on, eat it." Is what he said to me. Now I know he means well and all, but if I ever want to be 'bikini ready' then eating a seven hundred calorie donut is _not_ the route to go. I tried telling him no as nicely as humanely possible but he just wouldn't shut up about it. When I thought he was done pestering me he turned and then shot right back, pushing the donut against my lips.

Thank Jesus for my ninja-like reflexes, or else I probably would be trying to throw up the fried dough right now instead of writing.

So then I hit him and threw the box at him and hurried to my room, and here we are. On to more news…my penmanship is complete shit. Jett was writing in his and I saw the way he wrote it and it was _perfect_. In pen and cursive for Christ's sake!

I was completely embarrassed, and even though no one is reading this but me—hopefully—I still want to make sure it's readable for future reference. I still haven't eaten and I've gotten past that 'Holy fucking SHIT I'm so hungry if I don't eat I'll die' stage and now it's just this numb feeling in my gut. Like that empty feeling, you know? Well of course you don't actually know you don't eat, considering you're a diary and all…hold on, my phones ringing.

…Well here's the conversation.

Me: Hello?

Unknown Caller: Is this Gwen?

Me: Yeah? Who is this?

U.C: Just a person. I heard you had herpes.

Me: Um, no. Who told you that?

U.C: Don't worry about that.

Me: Alright.

U.C: You're a dirty skank, you know that?

Me: Mm, you bet. You're a sorry ass bitch for calling on restricted, you know that?

U.C: Rather that then a dirty skank.

Me: Mkay.

U.C: Alejandro told me how loose you are.

Me: Oh yeah, totally. That's why he was moaning my name and telling me how tight and perfect I was.

U.C: Shut up, you're embarrassing yourself.

Then I hung up. My heart is beating out of my chest and I almost want to call Alejandro. But that makes me seem desperate so I can't.

I'm going to sleep.

**March 28****th**

Happy Friday!

Bridgette emailed me again, telling me how cute this Todd boy was, and how she really thinks they are going to last long. Little does she know, right?

I work later today so I want to get an entry in before heading off to get ready. This job is a pain in the ass, but the pay is good. It sucks when Duncan hobbles in, drugged up, trying to flirt with me.

He knows I'm single now; everyone does. I'm just the weird ass stoner-loner girl now. I don't have a cute, tan Latino athlete to hug me and punch the stupid people away. I still haven't heard from him and I'm starting to panic. Like, what if he never wants to talk to me again and I am destined to live in a tiny apartment with ten cats and four dogs, forever smelling like shit and piss? Just the thought makes me nauseous.

Jett went over to Garrett's of course. Now that they are getting physical, I can only imagine them fucking each other silly. Only I don't want to think about it because it also makes me nauseous.

One thing Jett doesn't really talk to me about is drugs. I mean, I tell him crazy stories about what I do/did but he never really tells me. I know he smokes weed every now and again but other than that I think he's a free man. I am _sure_ Garrett has something to do with it.

Garrett is a good kid. Straight A's, loving parents, a fucking butler, not to mention the sleek black Prius that Garrett will have when he can drive. He is a good kid and he gets what he wants. Please, oh please, let Jett and Garrett last. At least long enough that I can get a nice ass Christmas present from him? That's not being selfish, that's just the way life works.

Shit. I better go get ready before I have to sprint into my work. I'll write later!

_8:17 P.M._

Oh my Jesus! Guess what happened, Evelyn! Come on, guess! Alejandro walked into my work today! I don't think he knew I was working because he was all, "Oh…hey Gwen…" And I just kind of glared at him.

Anyways he bought some weird Spanish food. He asked me how I was doing and I said fine, which we both knew was a lie. He told me I looked nice and then paid for his stuff and left.

Even though it wasn't anything but small talk, I'm going to be able to sleep tonight. I am _pooped_, so I'm gonna go sleep. Nighty Night!

**March 29****th**

I love Saturdays.

Partly because Mom has to go into work at seven in the morning, and doesn't get home until late afternoon, and the other part because me and Jett wake up early and make breakfast in honor of the witch being gone. It's been days since I've eaten, so I'm planning on eating at least half a pancake, no butter and only a dollop of syrup.

That can't be that bad right? I wish I was like Jett: eat twelve pancakes, three glasses of juice and then some bacon and _still_ manage to look like a twig with muscle.

I hate to cut this entry short, but the doorbell is ringing—Garrett is here—and Jett needs my help with the pancakes. Later!

_6:45 P.M._

So Mom and Jett are having a conversation with each other and I'm going to write down what is going on like I did with the phone conversation. I'm secretly writing this.

Mom: Jett, I need you home tomorrow.

Jett: Um…why?

M: I need help with the laundry.

J: Sorry, I'm busy.

M: You are never home anymore! I need _help_, Jett!

Me(G): I'm not doing anything tomorrow

M: Hush Gwen.

J: What the hell!

M: Language, Mister.

G: Really Mom…

M: What, Gwen? What am I doing wrong now?

J: Gwen just offered to help you instead of me and you just ignored her! What the fuck?

M: HEY! I said to watch your mouth!

J: Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. F-U-C-K; fuck.

M: Okay, you're grounded!

G: Oh, fuck.

M: -glaring at me- Both of you, rooms, now!

So now I'm writing this as I walk into my room. Now I'm lying on my bed; I can hear Jett crying in the other room. I hope he's using Fred.

Mom is such an idiot. I'm starting to think she truly hates me.

It would only make sense, right? I'm going to call Geoff and ask him to bring some weed or pills. Whichever. Or both.

Yeah, both. I like that idea.

_11:56 P.M._

Woo hoo! Geoff told me that 'Dro has been a _complete_ wreck without me.

Not talking to anyone, just working and sleeping. Not even partying!

Geoff doesn't know why he broke up with me in the first place, but he thinks it has something to do with his Aunt and Uncle. He's living there for free, eating for free, and getting amazing pay for working next to nothing. All Geoff's words. He gets pretty deep when he's high.

I would say he's actually kind of cute but that's just the drugs talking.

**March 30****th**

I am also a huge fan of Sundays. Like now, its noon and I just woke up.

I still have kind of a buzz from the pills I took, which is pretty boss. I didn't smoke any of the weed because I'm saving it for next Saturday with Bridgette, Me, possibly Scott, and Jett. I don't think Garrett smokes so I'm not including him or excluding him.

I'm starting to think Geoff has a slight crush on me because he gave me five grams for fifteen dollars. Five for fifteen! That's in_sane_!**(1)** I know I have some pretty bad ass bowls around here somewhere…just have to find 'em!

I guess I should go look and I'll get back to you!

Bye bye, Eve!

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><p><strong>(1)<strong> I had to google what five grams look like. I know from school (lol) that like one gram is ten bucks…

**Review if you love me D:**


	6. Chapter 6

**Hey, guys! Yay for updates!**

**I'd really appreciate it if you reviewed, your comments seriously mean the world to me.**

**ENJOY.**

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><p><strong>April 1<strong>**st**

Uh oh. I'm pregnant.

April fools! Sorry for scaring you like that Evelyn, but it was appropriate for today. I don't know why, but whatever happy spell I've been in for the past couple of days is over.

I mean I went from actually feeling giddy about Geoff maybe liking me to like "ew…Geoff likes me…" Or I could be way off and he has no feelings for me whatsoever, but instead just likes to give me deals. But if I did that I should probably do stuff with him in return…

Is that considered prostitution?

**April 2****nd**

Wednesday's are the _worst_ days. Don't ask me why or how because I can't control it, but every Wednesday something bad happens. It's not always toward me—but usually is—sometimes it's Bridgette or Alejandro, like one Wednesday Bridgette's dog died and on another Wed. Alejandro got in a really big fight with his Aunt and was almost kicked out until his angel-of-an-uncle intervened.

Which makes me laugh considering his name is actually Angel. I told that joke to Al once, but he didn't laugh. Guess not everyone can see my clever humor.

_12:13 P.M_

Today sucks. I got my period, Jett and Garrett are in a fight, and I am itching to smoke the weed that I have locked away for the weekend.

Oh, and now Jett want's to stretch his ears, or gauge them, whatever you want to say. You stretch your earring hole and stuff. I mean as long as he doesn't stretch them too big, I'll help him out. Maybe gauge my ears too?**(1)** I can only imagine Alejandro's reaction to seeing me with stretched lobes.

He would be all, "Why Gwen? Whhyy?"

And I'd say, "Because I'm a free bitch, baby." Or something along those lines. Then I flip my suddenly long hair into his face and walk off with my new taller, sexier boyfriend who is unnamed.

If only, if only.

_8:35 P.M_

Geoff called me today and asked if I wanted to head down to a party tonight. I said yes, despite the fact that I'm all crampy and miserable. Best medicine for cramps? Drugs!

Once I got off the phone I went into Jett's room—he was writing in Fred!—and asked him if he wanted to go to the party and that Garrett could come too. He got all teary eyed and started crying.

A part of me wanted to roll my eyes and walk out, but that's how I felt when Alejandro and me got into a fight a while ago in the first months of our relationship. So instead of plan A, I went with plan B: Asked him what happened. While he was telling me this I was thinking about what to write in here so let me go on with the story.

Jett: Okay, so you know how Garrett and I…went to the next level in our relationship?

Gwen(me, obviously): Yeah?

J: Well he told me he was nervous that I was going to break up with. I told him he was stupid for thinking that, but he took it the wrong way and was all, 'oh so I'm dumb for being worried? Fuck you Jett!' and hung up the phone.

I tried calling him back like 2000 times and he _still_ hasn't picked up. Not to mention the mountain of texts I sent it.I'm scared to lose him, Gwen…(Everything is in my own words because he talked too much for me to remember)

G: That's a dumb fight. I'll take you over there to talk to him, do you want to?

J: I don't know. I mean I want to go, but I'm afraid.

Then I told him there's nothing to be afraid of, blah blah-dy blah. Then he finally worked up the nerve to call Garret one more time, which he didn't pick up, and leave a voicemail saying he was coming over. And I about DIED when his vibrated in his hand. He started to cry and threw the phone at me, and I caught it right before it hit me in the face.

And it was Garrett and he said: You can't come over, my Grandparents are here. Come over tomorrow.

We both literally started hugging and whatever, and if we were on T.V it would have been a very cute brother-sister loving moment.

Well I have to go get ready for the party tonight, woo woo!

**April 3****rd**

It's four in the morning, just got back home. I'm high off my ass right now. My hands are shaking and I cannot believe what just happened.

It was Geoff, Me, Heather and Lindsay. Heather was all over Geoff being the mega-slut she is, and Lindsay was practically _naked_. So then Geoff just gets up and walks away from DTF Heather and starts grinding up against me.

I'm sipping my beer, rolling on ecstasy, when I start getting grinded from the back. I go along with it anyways, pretty damn surprised when someone pushes me away and starts to hit Geoff. I mean, serious beating up.

The kids got Geoff on the ground; blood is all over his fists that keep swinging back down to connect with his face. Finally the other guys around us pry him off of Geoff, who is seriously injured. We all tell him to get the fuck out of there, when I catch a glimpse of his face.

Yup, you guessed it, the one and one! Alejandro. So then he gets thrown out of the warehouse and I'm practically running after him, and yell at him and ask what the hell just happened.

"He was all over you Gwen! The fuck was I supposed to do!" His exact words, I remember.

So then I retaliated saying, "We aren't dating, so stay out of my life." He got this hurt look on his face and I just…kissed him.

Don't ask me why, but I did.

He moved his lips almost immediately and gripped onto my backside and lifted me into the air. We probably looked like two love-struck teens, but in truth that's what we are.

I was the one to break the kiss though. He let go of me and we kind of just stood there, looking at each other. "Does this mean we're back together?" I mean it was an honest question right? I wasn't dumb for asking it.

"I don't know, Gwen…"

I punched him square in the nose that we fell back onto the ground, and howled out in pain. Then I walked back inside and made out with a bloody Geoff.

Yeah, I need my own T.V show.

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><p><strong>(1) <strong>My ear's gauged at 7/16 :3


	7. Chapter 7

**April 5****th**

I don't ever want to get out of bed. I just want to lie in bed and cry and eat ice-cream and get a catheter so I don't even have to get out of bed to pee.

Jett can have my car.

I'll never have to wear makeup or do my hair ever again. I could live the rest of my life lying in this exact spot, telling you about how much I hate my life and that entire stupid diary shit. But that doesn't happen, sadly enough. I have to get out of bed in an hour or so to make breakfast with Jett and Garrett, and by that time Bridgette should be arriving to finish giving me her juicy details of her summer romance.

Well, fucking great for her. It seems as if all the sanity I have lost, she has found.

I don't like how bipolar I get sometimes. I get so _happy_ one week, and then I'm crying and listening to depressing music with a razor blade in my hand the next. No, I wouldn't cut myself. Sometimes I wish I could though. I don't like the pain; but I know it would make me feel so much better.

See, if I look back to my funny entries, there's always a depressing one right after it. The clock is blinking seven, which means Jett will be waking up soon. I don't want to get out my bed. I want to die.

_3:00 P.M_

Bridgette called me, saying she was on the road to my house. A part of me can't wait to hug her and kiss her and listen to her stories of her summer adventure, but another part of me doesn't want to hear it.

I don't want to hear about how perfect her life if. Boyfriend, money, parents, everything a girl could want.

Then you have me, single, poor, virtually no one.

I really was a Loner; it's not by choice though, I promise you that.

I would even put out as much as Heather does if it means I could have someone to talk to at all hours. Someone to hug and hold and kiss…well ain't life a bitch. I can hear Garrett and Jett giggling in the room over and it's not helping my drought of happiness.

The razor blade is next to my bed, hidden by the lamp. I'm finishing off the pancakes we made and I'm so full. I don't want to stop eating though; it tastes too good. Maybe I'll eat so much I'll explode? One can only hope!

Oh, there's that knock I've been waiting for! I'll try and write later tonight if she leaves.

_8:30 P.M_

Bridgette: Oh my God, Gwen! You look sick! Come here, sit down. You're going to pass out!

Me: I feel fine, Bridge. Just sit with me and tell me about your summer.

Bridgette: Well, okay…so let me start off with arriving in Tennessee!

That was the very first words she said to me, and vice versa. Then we went into this long discussion about Tennessee and the accents and stupid stuff, one of us making that "You're the only ten-I-see" joke but I forget who made it.

The day was really, really good. Jett and Garrett made us all lunch, complete with brownies and all, and despite the fact that I threw it all up afterwards, it was really delicious.

We were all sitting around the dining table just chatting and having a grand old time when the fuck of a Mom came in, and tried joining the conversation. Of course we were talking about something sinful like drugs or premarital sex, so we had to change the topic to cats and dogs and other animals.

So eventually we got so bored Bridgette and Garrett went home, both of them promising to come over tomorrow and we could go out and do something.

Whatever it is, I sure hope Bridgette pays for me. I'm broke as fuck.

**April 6****th**

So I completely forgot about Scott!

He called me up and we set a date for Tuesday, because I'm working practically the whole day on Monday. I have that to look forward too, but for now I'm just going to lie in bed and wait for Bridgette to call me about plans for today. I'm kind of looking forward to going to the movies just so I can eat gummies and be sad about my love life some more. Not even that, just my whole life in general.

It sucks! Oh, and I was looking through my Mom's stuff and I saw that she had a picture of my Dad and me with baby Jett. I took it and put it in my drawer. It's the only picture I could find without my Mom. And those are the only pictures I like.

Yesterday when Bridgette left, Mom and I got into a pretty rough fight. One that _almost_ resulted in a punch, but she held back and so did I. God so help me if she was to _ever_ lay a hand on me or Jett…she would be staring eye-to-eye with Satan himself, I swear it. Phones ringing and it's in the living room, hold on.

Me: Hello?

Scott: Hey, Gwen, it's Scott. I wanted to see if I could come over now instead?

Me: Oh I don't know, my friend will be here soon.

Scott: Ah…well, I just really wanted to see that pretty face of yours.

I am so kissing him on Tuesday. Fuck the police.

**April 7****th**

I just thought I'd write a quick entry before heading off to work. I know Duncan is working with me today, so I'll make sure to tell you how _that_ goes.

You know, he really isn't that ugly. I might even give him another shot. As long as he gives me weed. Got to go, later!

_9:45 P.M_

Scott was smoking a cigarette outside when I got home from work, so we ended up chilling outside for half an hour. We kissed. It was soft and despite his mouth tasting like an ashtray, I really enjoyed it.

I mean…really REALLY enjoyed it; loved it even. We are still going to hang out tomorrow so hopefully I'll get more kissing action. I needed those kisses and I fully intend on getting more.

Yes, I solemnly swear that I am up to no good. Sue me.

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><p><strong>Eh, I don't know how I'm feeling about this fanfic anymore…the reviews are little and my ideas are running low. :**


	8. Fin

**This is short as FUCK.**

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><p><strong>April 8<strong>**th**

I cut myself last night. And for the first time, I did it on purpose. I don't know why I did it and I am seriously regretting it. I guess I was just in one of those moods because…well, I don't know why. My wrist is throbbing and I kind of want to die. I am too tired to write right now, I'll write later. I need aspirin.

_11:56 P.M_

I wish life could just be easy. Don't you agree? Why does all this stupid shit have to happen? Why does my Mom have to be a low-life crusty bitch? Why does Jett get to be happy, while I am over here sulking in my own depression? It's not fair. Yeah, yeah, I know: 'Well, life isn't fair!' News flash! It should be.

What got me thinking about this? Maybe the fact that Alejandro called me last night at three in the morning piss-drunk. He was crying so it was hard to understand him, but I heard most of it.

"Gwen, I'm sorry. You will never understand how sorry I am. I love you so much; more than I love my Uncle and Aunt and well, everyone. I am such an idiot for breaking up with you. We were so happy, don't you think? Well I plan on making you happy again, babe. Some way or another." Then all I heard was background talking, and then the line went dead.

I must have cried for three hours last night, and that's when I cut myself. I actually inflicted self-harm because of Alejandro. A boy. A stupid, immature boy. How dumb am I?

**April 10****th**

I can hardly write I am shaking so bad. Bitch (AKA Mom) Saw the cuts on my arms and literally screamed. She grabbed me and took me to some place where everyone was really mean and kept staring at me, asking me questions. They drew my blood for drug tests. If I come up positive, my Mom is having me admitted. I'm scared. There is no way my blood is going to be free.

Well since I am going to die, and they will read this, I am going to write them a letter.

Dearest Mom,

I hate you.

-Gwen.

x.x.x.x

Dearest Jett,

You have to take care of yourself, okay? Stop doing drugs and skipping school.

Focus on graduating and Garrett. He is an _amazing_ boy, who really treats you right. I will be very sad and/or disappointed if I find out something has happened to you and him.

I don't think you'll remember this, but do you remember the day that you told me you liked boys? You were shaking really bad, and I kept pestering you and asking you what was wrong. You said you were confused, but I didn't get the connection. Then I bought you the pack of cigs. _Marlboro Menthol_ Gold's, to be exact. Weird that I remember that, huh? Anyways, when you finished your cig you just told me. Bam, "Gwen, I think I'm gay." Remember how I wasn't surprised at all, which made you laugh?

Then we just drove around the town talking about how you would rather look at boys half naked rather than girls. Oh, and I made that joke 'They, I'd rather see boys than girls too' and we had a nice laugh over that? Yeah, that was fun. I miss those days. I miss when I wasn't such a dumbass, and you were still little innocent Jett.

When me and Alejandro were happily dating. Oh man! That long ago…we had only been dating a month or two.

Yes, I definitely miss those days.

Well, I don't know what to say anymore.

**April 15****th**

Came back positive. I'm leaving in five minutes.

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Long time no see, Evelyn. How have you been?


	9. Epilogue

**YES, A LONG ASS EPILOGUE. I made sure it was long as fuu because the finale was like 700 words -_-**

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><p><strong>February 12th<strong>

I've probably used twelve pages of this journal—excuse me, I mean Evelyn—trying to thinking of how to explain the last year or so of my life. When was my last entry? April. So almost a year . . . I feel like it has been a century, maybe two that I have seen you, Evelyn. A century that I have looked at these pages and completely poured my heart out. Well, ah, where should I start? I guess I should start with first being admitted. A few days after being in the mental hospital or whatever they called it, I met some really nice kids. Joshua, who was like 6'3 with serious depression issues and then Opal who was addicted to meth.

It was kind of scary being with Opal. Most of the time she was normal and we would hang out and play cards or whatever but other times . . . she screamed about big, fat, slimy worms crawling around her body and eating her away. I asked what was wrong with her, and a nurse told me that it was the side effects of the meth.

She only got worse.

Slowly, I watched Opal as she went from being a tan, blonde beauty to something similar to Freddy Cougar. Deep gashes lined on her cheeks and forehead, her hands and arms almost completely covered in scabs from where she has tried to 'take the worms out of her skin'. She left sometime in December to a place that could treat her wounds. Seeing her like that, the way she suffered made me cry myself to sleep for the majority of my stay.

I can't help nut shake the feeling that I could have been Opal. I used drugs like her; I did the same stupid shit she did.

Why was_ I_ not sitting here, ripping _my_ skin off of _my_ body and screaming about worms?

As for Josh, he stayed with me almost the whole ten months. We had almost the same schedule, eating breakfast and lunch together before chilling in the teen room. It was less frightening than the actual mental ward, because the teens seemed almost normal. Not counting the other three teens like Opal who screamed and shook and has big, frightened eyes as they continuously scratched at the invisible bugs.

Josh told me about the reason why he had tried to commit suicide: he found his long-term girlfriend, Victoria, in bed with his best friend Dante. This completely devastated Josh because Victoria and he had been dating for almost three years; he actually planned on marrying her and spending the rest of his days with her. She, however, had other plans. So they broke it off and Victoria was quick to get over it, nut Josh was crushed. He started smoking weed and doing cocaine to try and stop the ever growing pain in his heart, but it never went away. So then at some point he realized he just didn't want to feel this way anymore. He wanted to die. So he got a rope and a chair and tied it around his neck and tree limb, then kicked the chair from under him. He told me . . . the pain wad indescribable. His neck stung and he struggled to breathe but the rope constricted him. He really thought he was going to die, meet God and be on his way. And as Josh would put it, the Lord had other plans for him. Just before he was starting to see black, the rope just snapped. He fell to the ground, sputtering and gasping for air as his throat burned. He thought no one had seen him attempt suicide, but his neighbor did. She called his parents and told them what she had just witnessed from her living room window, and that was that. He was sent away to the place by his confused father and hysterical mother.

His Mom was pregnant, he told me. During the months of his stay she birthed a beautiful healthy girl, and gave Josh the opportunity to name her. I remember Josh coming to me in tears, telling me how nervous he was about naming his sister. So we sat down, and we thought up names for an hour, maybe more. By that time I was sleepy and bored, just throwing out random names. I was saying seasons, and then Josh gasped.

"Autumn!" He had said, almost squeaking. "I will name her Autumn!"

Then we hugged tightly and . . .hell, I don't even know. Maybe it was because we could relate so well, or the fact that his eyes were so blue I couldn't help but stare but . . . I decided I liked him.

And since that day and every day after that, I just giggled at his every word and made sure I looked presentable. Then Opal left, and I felt like it was my opportunity. Yeah, I kissed him. It was during free time and we were playing a game of war. It's weird how I can remember so well. The cards were yellow with age, and I was doing a lot better than him. He groaned in defeat, and I just leaned over and bam! Pushed my lips up against his. Oh man, I wanted to keep kissing him and never stop. But we had too. When I pulled away, he had this goofy grin on his face that made my cheeks warm and rosy. I honestly can't remember the last time I liked a guy_ this_ much, Evelyn.

When I look back on Alejandro, I have realized that I was never in love with him. I was alone and sad, and I needed someone to cry too and make me feel good. And for a little bit, I did feel good. I felt great, actually. But what comes up must come down right? Then Alejandro broke up with me because of his own problems, and I didn't know how to react. I was blinded by the sudden loss and reacted like any stupid seventeen year old would. It was so dumb that my stomach is in knots just thinking about it.

Just recalling those memories of doing drugs with Geoff and the others makes me want to gag and throw up.

I've changed now; my, have I changed. Even though I may only be a year older now—yeah that's right, I'm a legal adult bi-otch!—I have matured so much that Jett didn't even recognize me. I didn't recognize him much, either. Oh Eve, I wish you could have seen the look of Jett's face when he opened the door for me. He had gained weight, but he looked healthy instead of his usual stick-skinny figure. He had dyed his hair really light blonde with pink, and it looks just darling. His skin is tan and beautiful. I am so glad to have him as my brother; I don't think I mentioned how he wrote me every week, telling me how wonderful Garrett was to him and how Mom was changing, finally for the better. But before I go on the subject of my Mother, I would just like to make a note that Jett and Garrett celebrated their one year anniversary on the tenth! And next month, also on the tenth, I will celebrate my first meeting Garrett exactly a year ago.

Damn, time sure flies huh?

Right, back to my Mom.

Only a few days after my absence, she went completely mad. Crying and drinking, both which ended up Jett picking up her broken pieces. Then one day he sat down with her and told her everything. How much he loved her, but she needed to change. He could only take so much from her before he did or said something he would regret. Then the day after the pow-wow, Mom threw out her booze and cigarettes and went all tai chi on the house.

It only gets weirder.

She started studying Chinese, making Chinese food and meditating on the dining room table. Jett and Garrett loved the food and the hilarious entertainment Mom provided with her weird meditating methods. She became a lot more understanding of Jett's sexual preference; she even started hugging Garrett and invited him to Christmas dinner. Maybe because she didn't want to think about eating dinner alone, because Jett was sure to disappear, but it was still a beautiful gesture that makes my heart soar. When I first got back, we held each other cried until our bodies were drained of all water and no more tears came out. Jett cried along with us, and when Garrett came over for dinner that evening we all had another good cry.

Again, I can't believe I wrote about feeling so alone when I have such an amazing family. How could I have been so blind to not notice it before?

I don't want to think back on the past though. It makes me nauseous and dizzy. Ugh, I'm even getting the feeling at this very moment. So Jett is happily in love with Garrett and Mom is happily in love with her new lifestyle.

Actually, just yesterday I heard her whispering cutesy things to someone on the phone. Who knows, maybe I could have a step dad in the works? Speaking of Dad's, did Fredrick** (1)** tell you about mine? Of course not, he isn't anything but a binding of paper and so are you. _Anyhow_, Dad and that one co-worker turned lover got a divorce once he caught wind of what had happened to me. He is planning on moving back down here in the summer, and he is going to try and help out with Jett and I. I would love that a lot, actually. To have him around for the holidays? Yes, that would we nice. I haven't seen him in so long . . . I barely remember his looks now. I bet he's gained weight, probably waddling around like a young Saint Nicholas. In rehab—if I could call it that—we had these teen sessions once a week where we would meet and get to know the others. Learn why they were here, and how they planned on changing.

The nurse/counselor told us that eighty percent of kids that go to places like this to become clean off drugs or heal from depression go back into their old habits, also known as relapse for the drugs users. "Now, tell me which one of you boys and girls want to go back to your old ways?" She had said with her large Ginger colored hair bouncing as she spoke. No one raised their hands, everyone in the little group looking around to see if anyone else had done it.

"Good. Now if you are ready to change, to become a better version of yourself, raise your hand."

That time, everyone lifted their arms into the air and the nurse smirked happily. I can only wonder about the drug users like Opal, and what an awful time they must be having. One of the nurses told me that once the drugs fully leave the user's system, the creatures they imagine inside of them fade away. The only problem is that by that time they could have ripped off all of their fingernails and gouged their own eyes out, trying to get at the damned bugs.

Worst part? Opal told me she knew they weren't real. That she was just crazy. And yet she couldn't stop herself from screaming and scratching. Just imagining the worms, juicy and slimy as the rolled their bodies around on and inside her body . . . it was too much to her.

She also told me that because of the imaginary worms she felt, when she did scratch and bleed she felt no pain. If anything, she felt relief because for once the worms went away. They left her alone. She had inner peace, if only for that moment.

I am sure you am wondering how _I _look. I have talked about Jett and Garrett and Mom, Josh and Opal but I really haven't said anything about myself. Well, for one, my hair is much longer. The teal I had in it has faded for the most part, and the black I dyed it is a dark brown. My bangs have grown out so I have begun to just clip them back and not really care. Josh said he thought I was beautiful, so I don't have much to worry about. As for my wardrobe? I traded in my boots for a comfy pair of green and black vans. I still wear my usual 'Goth' attire, but I find myself drawn more to the pastel colored shirts and dark wash jeans. In the Ward, we wore the same kind of shirt just in different colors. Green, blue, purple, black, red. The most popular colors I'm guessing. They weren't too bad. It was the baggy sweatpants that really irked me. They were loose in all the worst, most unflattering places. I don't really have a butt so it didn't help me much that it just enhanced the smallness of it.

The first couple of months were really hard. I basically hated everyone and everything. I tried to stop eating in hopes they would tell my mom and she would come get me, but that didn't happen. After about four days of not eating I couldn't go any longer and I cracked. I just started eating. It really wasn't bad at all; I was expecting some lumpy, moldy piece of toast given to me by a fat lunch lady with a hairy mole on her upper lip and gray whiskers. Instead I got a very nice, proportionate meal served to me by a slim pale red head that looked like she should be on a makeup ad like Maybelline or L'Oreal rather in a mental Ward serving lunch.

There were many nurses that took care of the teens, but the only one that I really got to know was a chunky, mocha colored girl named Lillian. She reminded me of Bridgette, besides the face that Lillian was multiple years older and black. She listened to me whenever I needed to say something or vent, especially when it came to talking about how cute Josh was. I'm pretty sure she was a lesbian, because she and the lunch lady red head were always flirting with each other; trust me, I am an expert on flirting. I never asked her about it though, because it wasn't my place to ask about her orientation. Hey, she could be bi, who knows?

Back onto the topic of the Ward—still not sure if that is the correct term but who cares—my room was small and freezing. Not cold, not chilly, but actually shivering and teeth-chattering cold. A person was only admitted two blankets, so I was wearing two pairs of sweatpants and three shirts along with the two blankets. It wasn't the best nights of my life, but it was bearable. In the beginning I was grouped with Opal, and that's how we got to know each other and I witnessed the screaming. Then she left, and I felt kind of alone. I was roommate-less for a good month before being grouped with some anorexic slut who was admitted on her own whim. I instantly didn't like her, and I'm pretty sure the feeling was mutual. Her hair was the color and texture of straw and her eyes were droopy with bags as big as my head. Yeah, she wasn't the prettiest but all the boys seemed to think she was. I guess it was because she had big tits and a non-existent stomach, but when I asked Josh if he liked the new girl he just made an 'ew that's disgusting I want to throw up now thanks' face.

I was instantly in love with him.

Humph. I feel like the rest of this entry is going to be all girlish and lovey-dovey as I talk about how wonderful Josh is. I can't help it . . . he makes me feel all funny, like my bones are Jell-O. Like the outside world doesn't matter; it's just me and him. We officially started dating a few months ago, and it was really hard when Josh was pulled out of the Ward. He gave me his house number and I used my one phone call a day on him, talking as long as we could. I just ended a very long, nice conversation with him before coming and writing this. He told me about Autumn and how much he loves her. He got really emotional and started telling me how lucky he was that God saved him from killing himself. He would never have gotten to meet his precious sister; he told me it was pure fate that he beat depression.

His mom, knowing how serious we were—as serious as you can get without having sex and only kissing in secrecy anyway—and invited me for dinner this Saturday. I said yes of course, because I will get my two favorite things: food and Josh. I wonder if news will go around about me being back. Garrett and Jetta have pretty much filled me in with the news of what happened to my 'friends' during the time I was gone.

Geoff was still a major loser who hasn't and will never mount to anything. His only priority is doing and selling drugs. All his friends have grown up though, leaving him to drown in his demons. I hope that he will admit himself into a rehab and get help like I did. He isn't a bad kid, he has a nice heart. It's just worn and damaged from those stupid drugs.

As for Bridgette . . . Gah, where do I start? Her boyfriend moved down here so they got together and, well, she was dumb and careless and it ended up as her becoming pregnant. It was a really hard time for her, because she was so young and the wonderful guy she fell in love with turned out to not be the prince charming she thought. They broke up, and once she told her mom and dad of her 'condition', they moved out to God knows where.

That kind of upsets me, knowing the closest thing I had to a best friend was somewhere, young and pregnant.

She must feel so alone.

Alejandro moved away, too, back to Spain with his parents. I guess he was starting to be so depressed that it started scaring his aunt and uncle. They called him parents and had them fly him out there. Huh. . . I guess that's the only real friends I had, or the ones that didn't judge me. . . That I knew of anyways. It kind of frightens me how much has changed in such little time.

I'm scares of the rest of my life, I'll be honest. The thought of the future makes me shake and cry but I know if I keep my head held high, I can make it. I will be okay as long as I have my sanity and my family. That's all I ever needed; I just wish I had known that sooner.

Well, Mom is calling for me so I better go see what she needs.

Until next time, my sweet Evelyn.

-The new and improved Gwendolyn.

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><p><strong>(1)<strong> Fredrick is Jett's diary/journal.


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